Hamilton: An American One-Shot Compilation
by Lazy Monday
Summary: A collection of Hamilton one-shots written and posted whenever I feel like adding one. Lams, puppies, and stupidity included. Batteries not included.
1. Happy Birthday, America

It's America's 7th birthday, and Jefferson is hosting the first true celebration of American independence. But of course, who ever said everything would go as planned?

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 **okay yeah i know tjeffs doesnt come home until 1789 but i wanted him to come home faster okay dont question my life** **decisions**

* * *

 _1783_

 _Monticello_

"I still don't understand why we have to celebrate our nation's independence in _Jefferson's_ house," Hamilton grumbled, his hands stuffed in his pockets and his eyes not meeting Washington's.

"We're doing this here because Mr. Jefferson has the most free space in his home."

"I know..."

Washington knocked on the large door and waited patiently with Hamilton. They appeared to be the first to arrive. They didn't know how many people had been invited, but there were definitely a lot of people coming.

After about a minute, the door opened to reveal Jefferson, who was grinning.

"Come in! Everything all set up!"

Washington and Hamilton followed Jefferson into the mansion, passing through several corridors before reaching a large salon.

"Make yourselves at home!" Jefferson said, his cheery voice already starting to gradually give way to a more irritated tone. "I'm going to go greet the next arrivals." He quickly left the room, leaving Washington and Hamilton alone.

"Well, then..." Hamilton said, immediately turning his attention to the food.

"Son, wait for the others to arrive before you start eating." Washington narrowed his eyes slightly in Hamilton's direction before turning to the bookshelf in the corner of the room.

Hamilton mumbled, "Don't call me son..." under his breath and shuffled over to Washington sullenly, focusing on the books instead of Washington.

* * *

The party slowly became more cheerful as more people arrived. James Madison had struck up a conversation and tried to get Hamilton and Jefferson to interact, which was easily failing as the two discovered they had incredibly opposed opinions. Washington was talking with other political leaders, trying to get them on his side. Ben Franklin was sitting in a corner and creating origami instead of talking.

Jefferson had been sensible enough to hide the alcohol, and had instead replaced it with something called "apple juice" (probably French).

After what was about 3 hours, according to the grandfather clock, Jefferson brought out a large pile of presents.

He announced, "Many nations were kind enough to send us presents to help celebrate America's 7th year of independence." He arranged the presents neatly on a new table as he spoke. "Who would like to help open them?"

Many people volunteered all at once, and one by one, each present was opened. Some china from China, sugar from France (and a note that said, "We'd send you something of real value but as you see we're in the middle of a revolution and things have gone to hell"), precious stones from India, as well as countless different things from many of their newfound allies in other countries.

Jefferson stared at the floor, which was now more wrapping paper than actual wood. He pushed all of the wrapping paper into a pile, then froze as he noticed a brown, unwrapped box lying on the ground. Jefferson picked it up.

"Who's that from?" Hamilton asked, staring at the box cautiously as if it held a ticking bomb (although I don't think bombs existed back then).

Jefferson inspected the box from all angles, finding nothing. "It doesn't say," he replied, sounding confused.

"Well then, open it! Maybe it'll say who it's from inside."

Jefferson nodded and pulled off the rope tied around the box. It hardly added to the mess as it fell to the ground, unnoticed. Everyone was staring at the ugly, tiny, dirty brown box as Jefferson opened it and pulled out a small note scribbled on a piece of parchment.

Jefferson read aloud, " _Happy birthday, my favorite subject._ "

There was dead silence as Jefferson took a single tea bag out of the box.

Hamilton was the first to speak, laughing hysterically and looking furious at the same time. "THAT LITTLE SH-"

No one heard the rest of his statement and everyone else started either yelling insults or laughing uncontrollably.

King George was either insane or had a great sense of humor.

Probably the former.


	2. Dog and Turtle

Laurens and Hamilton are excited to have a pet puppy in addition to their turtle, but handling a 25-week-old puppy turns out to be more trouble than they initially thought.

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 **Okay so I just wanted to point out that this chapter is titled "Cat and Turtle" in my doc manager instead of dog and turtle whoops**

* * *

"Hey John, I have a surprise for you!" Hamilton sang as he walked into the house, something in his hands.

"One moment, I'm feeding Lams!" Laurens' voice came from their bedroom, where the two kept their pet turtle, Lams. Laurens and Hamilton hadn't been able to think of a name for the turtle and ended up putting their own names together as a name for their pet.

"Alright! Come quickly!"

There was a small splash, a rattling sound, and several thuds before Laurens finally emerged from his room, his shirt slightly wet from the water in Lams' tank. The moment Laurens turned to face Hamilton, he let out a shriek of delight and rushed over to him.

"Is that a _puppy?_ " Laurens asked, practically squealing with delight.

Hamilton lifted the black puppy with light cream markings up and into Laurens' outstretched arms. "Yup!"

"What's his name?" Laurens asked, cuddling the puppy in his arms while it tried to lick his nose.

"Alexander Hamilpup."

"Wait, _the_ Hamilpup?" Laurens asked, his eyes wide with disbelief. "From the Puppy Bowl this year?"

"Yup!"

"Oh my god, how did you get him?"

"They put all of the puppies up for adoption after the Bowl. It wasn't that hard."

"You are the most amazing human being in existence."

"I knew that."

Laurens snorted and kissed Hamilton lightly before putting the puppy on the floor. Hamilpup instantly started to run, sniffing everything in sight.

As the puppy began to sniff at a can of soup, Hamilton said, "Maybe we should clean everything up..."

Laurens nodded, watching as Hamilpup slowly devoured the can. "That's probably a good idea, since that's our only can of soup Hammy's eating."

Hamilton jumped as though shocked and rushed over to the puppy, dragging it off the can, shrieking, "No! Don't eat that! That's not for puppies!"

* * *

After an hour of cleaning up and hiding everything potentially edible and dangerous in the house, Laurens and Hamilton were finally done.

"That should be everything," Hamilton announced as he finished covering the window in duct tape.

" _Now_ you can run around," Laurens announced to Hamilpup, opening the door of the cage that they had put the puppy in. Hamilpup instantly rocketed out of it and ran around the island in the kitchen in an endless loop.

"I'd grab him but he's going so fast," Hamilton wheezed, shocked by the sheer speed of the puppy.

"Alex," Laurens gasped, realizing something.

"What?"

"Alex."

" _What_?"

"He's _non-stop_."

"Oh my god, John Laurens I love you and your puns."

The puppy finally ran out of energy and collapsed on the floor.

"We won't even need to take him for walks," Hamilton pointed out. "He tires himself out just by running."

"Huh, yeah." Laurens glanced around. After several seconds of seemingly looking for something, he added, "Did you get any dog supplies?"

"Uh..."

"Are you telling me you adopted a dog and didn't even buy it food?"

"I thought it could just eat dinner with us..."

"Alex, dogs can't eat chocolate."

"I knew that."

"Uh huh." Laurens clearly didn't believe him. "I'm going to go buy some stuff for Hammy. Don't kill him while I'm gone, okay?" Laurens put on his coat as he spoke. "See you soon!" Laurens slipped out of the house, closing the door quickly so that Hamilpup couldn't escape.

There was a short pause while Hamilpup and Hamilton both stared at the door, which ended when Hamilton turned to his puppy (who was still lying on the floor) and asked, "Do you want to watch some Steven Universe?"

The puppy said nothing, so Hamilton took that answer as a yes.

Hamilton carried Hamilpup over to the couch and sat down, covering the puppy with a blanket.

"We're going to do a 2-hour Perfect Pearl marathon," Hamilton informed Hamilpup, looking dead serious, "so get your tissue box ready."

Hamilton handed a blue and gold tissue box to the puppy and played the marathon, not noticing that Hamilpup was ripping at and eating all of the tissues. He also didn't notice when the puppy wiggled out from the confines of his blanket prison and escaped into Laurens' room.

One long, tissue-filled hour later, Hamilton was sobbing on the couch, hugging a stuffed turtle.

"Why couldn't you forgive her Garnet?" Hamilton wailed, probably disturbing some of his neighbors. "She's sorry and she's trying to make it up to you! You're supposed to be a team!" The last words turned into a whine as Hamilton blew his nose on a tissue.

"Maybe I'll finish this marathon later," Hamilton sighed, turning off the TV. "Don't you agree, Ha..." Hamilton broke off as he finally noticed the empty space next to him. "...mil... pu- oh my god where did he go."

Hamilton started to get off of the couch, but realized too late that he was completely tangled in his blanket fort. After several minutes of wiggling and shrieking, Hamilton finally escaped the fuzzy blanket jail and stood up, quickly wiping his eyes to remove any remaining tears.

"Hamilpup?" Hamilton called anxiously. "Where are you?"

There was a small bark that came from Hamilton and Laurens' bedroom.

Hamilton rushed into the room as fast as he could, and froze in the doorway, staring at the messy room which looked like it had been hit by a hurricane.

 _Wait, it always looks like it was hit by a hurricane._ Hamilton breathed a heavy sigh of relief as he realized no damage had been done and started looking for Hamilpup.

Hamilton quickly found him, hiding under the bed and chewing on what appeared to be one of Laurens' sketches of Lams. Hamilton slowly pulled it out of the puppies mouth and scooped Hamilpup up, searching the room for any more damage.

"Bad dog," Hamilton scolded, glaring at the puppy. "You can't eat everything. Believe me, it's hard to resist the temptation, but you can't, okay? Now, be a good dog and don't eat the stove while I feed Lams." Hamilton set the puppy down on the floor and shooed him out of the room before turning to the tank.

Lams' tank was a medium-sized glass box with no top. It was filled with various items, including a clay Declaration of Independence (Hamilton's first clay project that only turned out good because it was a flat rectangle), a plastic turtle, some fake coral, a model of hogwarts, and, of course, Lams themself (what, can't a turtle be agender?).

 _But where was Lams_ _?_ Hamilton searched the tank for the turtle, but couldn't find them anywhere.

Realization finally dawned on Hamilton as he noticed the knocked-over can of turtle food and water on the carpet.

 _Oh, no._

"HAMILPUP YOU LITTLE PIECE OF POOP!" Hamilton screamed, although he avoided swearing because of the puppy's young, innocent ears.

The puppy seemed to realize he had done something wrong and lowered his head in shame. However, Hamilton had a few more words to add.

"I pray Laurens shows you his mercy," Hamilton spat, "for _shame._ "

Hamilton paused, an evil grin spreading across his face. "Unless... Laurens _doesn't_ learn that you ate our pet."

Hamilton quickly put on his coat and rushed out of the house.

* * *

20 minutes later, a small turtle was swimming in Lams' tank.

"Nobody needs to know," Hamilton breathed to Hamilpup.

Hopefully Laurens would never find out.


End file.
